I’ve written about a lot of different aspects of my pregnancy, but I haven’t talked a lot about this yet: I am so excited about the imminent arrival of my son. Of course, I still don’t feel ready — I’m not sure it’s possible to feel completely ready — but I think we’re now prepared enough that we can start to get really excited. We have a lot of the laundry done, the bassinet is almost ready, the car seat base has been installed. Those are a lot of the big things. Now I feel like we can focus on his arrival.
I’m so excited to meet him. I wonder who he’s going to be? I hope that we can help him to be happy in his life. I know we can provide all of the love that he’ll need to be happy, but beyond that, I really don’t know what I’m doing. It’s amazing to me how little is actually required of a person to be a parent. No one is going to give us a test, or make us take a class (although we did take one). No one is going to make sure that we have an appropriate place at home for him to sleep, or that we’re changing his diaper properly. They’ll make sure we don’t look like entirely negligent parents while we’re in the hospital (I’m assuming) and they’ll check to make sure we have a car seat, and that’s it. There’s so much we don’t know. If he cries, he might be wet, or hungry, or tired. But what else? If it isn’t one of those things, what is it? What happens if/when he gets sick? I don’t want to focus on what I don’t know (because it’s scary) but the truth is, there’s a lot I don’t know.
It’s such an amazing responsibility to be on the cusp of being a parent. I really do feel like I’m going to have to become a better person really soon. I want to bring only my best to being his mother, but I know that’s unrealistic. I am going to do what I can to do the best I can in any situation, but I just feel so . . . human. So fallible. So imperfect. So young. (How do people do this when they’re 10, or 15, years younger than I am?)
I love this child so much already. I am aware of his presence most of the time. I was thinking today that when he is born, I’m going to have to share him with everyone else, and I’m going to have to get used to not having him with me all the time. I don’t mind sharing him, but I think there will be a loss there. For the past 8 months, I’ve really had him to myself. For the past few months that he’s been more than an idea to me, that I’ve been able to feel him move on a regular basis, I’ve become so aware of him, and I really enjoy his presence. I like being pregnant. I know I will like being a mom even more, but I’m already a little overwhelmed at the idea of him not being with me. I’ve been joking for months that the best thing about him right now is that he’s really easy to keep track of, but that’s actually true. I know, all the time, where he is, and I like that. He’s going to grow so quickly — and that’s another thing that is both exciting and scary.
I look forward to his birth, though. Well, maybe not to the actual birth, but at least to his arrival on the outside part of the world. I want to be able to see him and hold him, and to see Dan hold him, and to see my mom, and my dad, and all of our family with him. They will all enjoy him and love him so much. He’s such a lucky baby, and he’s not even here yet. I can’t wait to meet him. Well, I can wait a little longer, but I am really getting excited about him being here. I want to meet him!
Em,
I hope you are well. I have been hanging out at the SBC for a few weeks, and you were on my mind. I picked up an alumni magazine and found out you were pregnant. Congrats!
d