Getting myself together

I have not had an easy week.  It hasn’t been a bad week, just very busy, with lots of stuff to do (and some weird and random things thrown in, just to keep it interesting) and it followed on the heels of having guests for over a week.  Whenever I have a week like this, I struggle to keep my head on straight.  It’s my natural tendency to succumb to the pressure of the stress and freak out — become irritable, short tempered, sad, anxious, angry.  For reasons I don’t think I will ever understand, when subjected to more than usual stress levels, my brain somehow flips the importance of things — things that shouldn’t matter too much to me (like how clean my house is, whether or not I’m on time to a play date, or whether we got a chance to cook the chicken in the fridge before it went bad) become vitally important, and things that really ought to matter (like what kind of day my kids are having or whether or not I’ve eaten in the past 8 hours) threaten to take a back seat.

I’ve fought this fight all week.  Some days went well, and others not so well.  I freaked out over little things more than once, but I managed to win a couple of those battles, too.  As the week has gone on, the stress has increased, not decreased.  I knew I had to do something to bolster my defences, or things would continue to deteriorate, so I planned to spend all of today resting and playing with my kids — nothing gets me back to “good” faster than some time alone to read plus some time to enjoy my boys without having to be anywhere or do anything in particular.

Circumstances conspired against me, however, and I wasn’t able to do that for a lot of today.  I did get a little bit of reading in during nap time (while BOTH children were sleeping at the SAME time) and I got a little play time in.  But, I’m still not quite to where I want to be . . . so I’m replanning my day tomorrow with some recuperation and recharging time.

I am not giving up easily.  I want to be the best mom I can be for my kids:  I want to take challenges in stride, let little things go and keep a positive, mature and level-headed outlook regardless of what happens.  Or, at least get closer to all of those things than I am now.  I’m really, finally realizing that the only way that is going to happen is for me to be in a good mental place.  It’s like getting enough sleep if you’re an air traffic controller — you can’t fake it, you have to sleep.  Lives depend it.  My kids’ happiness and sense of security depend on me getting my head together.

So, for tomorrow, reading Harry Potter and playing trains with Benjamin are on top of my to do list.  This is important.

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